Fantasy Friday: holidays without guilt

My husband returned from retrieving the mail and handed me an envelope, clearly a Christmas card.

“Great, another reason to feel guilty,” I said.

He laughed. So did I, even though what I said was true.

Christmas cards make me feel guilty because I don’t send any out.

Christmas gifts make me feel guilty because I struggle to pick them out for my family. And I take this as a sign that I’m not a good daughter/sister/niece because I live so far away.

I don’t think I deserve the Christmas gifts I get. Or the Christmas cards. Because I’m not there for my friends and family in the ways I would like to be.

I feel guilty because I haven’t decorated my house despite having loads of awesome holiday decor sitting in boxes in the closet. I feel guilty because I didn’t take my decorations down until well after New Year’s Day this past year. In a few cases, I just left things up. I had plans to dust some woodwork before I returned my year round decor to the appropriate spots. That never happened.

See how that spiraled out of control? From a kind gesture to self-sabotage in a matter of seconds.

I recognized this as I held the card. The person who sent it was just trying to be nice. And maybe I could appreciate that instead of turning it into an opportunity to be a total jerk to myself.

Because what purpose does feeling guilty serve in this case? None. It doesn’t make me want to send Christmas cards or decorate. It makes me want to withdraw. Ignore the holidays.

And I love the holidays. I’m just trying to figure out how I want to celebrate versus how I think I should celebrate.

At least for this year, this means minimal decor. Luckily, the red string lights are still up in the squirrel alcove. And the holiday cards add a nice festive flair. Thanks to those of you who sent them.

Fantasy Friday: being thankful for what I have

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I’m forgoing the usual premise of Fantasy Friday, writing about what I want, and instead, offering gratitude for what I have. I gave a lot of thought to this during the holiday yesterday, and one of the things I’m most grateful for is how many wonderful communities I’ve gotten to be a part of over the course of my life. Presently, this includes the writing, storytelling, and improv communities I’m part of in Atlanta as well as the math community that I’m lucky enough to have entry to via David. From an early age (I’m looking at you, Brunette Sisters), during my time in academia, and up to the present, I’ve been fortunate to be surrounded by passionate and talented people who continue to inspire me.

And, of course, there’s my family. Yesterday after Thanksgiving dinner, we played bingo, a new holiday tradition for us, but one which my sister was well suited to lead. She’s been calling bingo for around a decade.

There was a lot of booing, cheering, and well-intentioned jabs at other players. A lot of fun had by all that made me simultaneously sad I live far away from my family and thankful I’m part of this particular family unit.

There are a lot of people to love in this world, and I’m grateful to have met so many individuals I care about. My only wish (okay, here’s the fantasy) is that I had more time to spend with each and every one of them.

Fantasy Friday: reliving my wedding day

Fantasy Friday is back! Here’s today’s thought exercise:

If you could relive one day in your life, what day would you choose?

For me, my first instinct was my wedding day because I’d be able to reconnect with as many people I’ve loved as possible. Plus, I’d get to experience all the fun again: drinks at the Palm Court, the hot garden ceremony, fabulous food at the reception, and lots of dancing!

I love dancing. In fact, my number one criteria for choosing a wedding dress was how easily I could dance in it.

I would also love to relive Christmas when I was a kid, especially because I’d get a chance to be with my grandmother, who passed away my senior year of high school. I miss her a lot. So much so that I might even choose a day from my childhood when I was sick and staying at her house. She’d make me scrambled eggs, toast, and cream of mushroom soup, and we’d watch the classic 1940s Pride and Prejudice starring Laurence Olivier.

There are other days I would consider as well involving family trips, vacations abroad, falling in love, high school dances, etc. I’m fortunate to have many wonderful days to choose from.

What day would you choose to relive?

Tooth fairy: dude or lady?

I’m visiting the Pacific Northwest this week with my mom and sister. Last night, we were playing the game Heads Up! (check out the app if you haven’t heard of it–so much fun!).

I was trying to get my sister to guess “Tooth Fairy” and gave her the clue “the man who comes into your room and puts money under your pillow.” She heard the first part and guessed “Santa.” After she’d guessed correctly, she asked me, “what did you mean, man?”

And that’s when I discovered my mom and sister imagine the tooth fairy as female while I’ve always thought of him as male.

What do you think? Is the tooth fairy a dude or a lady?