Pretty deep thoughts on pretty

I was driving home the other night after a long day of acting classes, rehearsals, working out, etc. that had taken me all over Atlanta. I was hungry. I’d forgotten to bring something to eat, and I’m on a restricted diet right now (Whole 30 like but I’m finding it hard to fight the fight against hidden sugars even though that’s why I’m on the diet). I was tired of driving–I’d been in the car well over two over hours throughout the course of the day.

I was thinking about my face because I’d watched myself on camera earlier in one of my classes. I hadn’t looked how I expect to look based on how I usually see myself in a mirror.

I had an ungenerous thought about how I hold my face–how I’ve been holding it my whole life–and concluded that I’m probably not pretty. I cried.

Looking back in the light of day with a full night’s sleep, I don’t think my assessment was correct. But I’m uncomfortable with how important my appearance has become to me and that I could feel that low about it.

When I was in therapy a few years back, I worked on not judging myself for wanting or trying to look attractive. I think I had it in my head that it was a betrayal of feminism to invest too much in my appearance. Or, the more likely explanation, I was afraid that even if I tried I wouldn’t be attractive so I settled for being smart and took comfort in that.

What’s weird about wanting to be pretty is that by some definitions it’s less than beautiful. As an adverb, it’s a qualifier. I’m pretty attractive. Aiming for pretty feels like settling in another way. Beautiful seems out of reach so please just tell me that I’m pretty.

Please. Pretty please. Pretty please tell me that I’m pretty.

No real resolution here (since resolution would involve taking on society’s destructive standards for beauty, and like the fight against hidden sugars, I’m not up for that right now). Just wanted to highlight something I’m struggling with.

Other than questioning my own attractiveness things are going pretty well. I purchased this pretty matching folder and notebook the other night. Pretty inspiring!

Falling behind

I made a lot of promises about blogging more in the New Year, and now it seems I’ve fallen into a slump.

I’m embarrassed.

I’m sorry.

I’m not sure you noticed and maybe I’m making this all the more awkward by confessing.

But confessing is the way I deal with the (mostly needless) guilt I carry.

Last weekend in Wisconsin, I walked up a hill past the place where I had my first real job. I thought about the direction I expected my life to take when I arrived there five years ago. I thought about the unexpected places it has gone instead. I cried from some mixture of pain and relief.

I wondered where I’ll go next.

Camping at 8

My family camped a lot when I was a kid. Here are a couple of diary entries related to one of our trips:

June 22, 1991

Dear Diary,

Today I’m going camping. It’s going to be great. So I’m going to bring you. So you’ll hear lots of things. Well bye.

And the next day:

June 23, 1991

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I came here. It was a long ride but I madangd it. We saw a deer and a ~~skunk~~ raccoon. We set up our tent ~~well bye. See~~ We lookd for fire wood. We found some. Well bye now. See you tomorrow.

Nice details. I wonder else what the diary heard.

Happy birthday, Mom!

It’s my mom’s birthday today, and sadly, we’re not even in the same city. Back when I posted about my fantasy birthday celebration, my mom said she would go to Yosemite National Park for her fantasy birthday. Wish we were there today! Here’s a picture of us at Yosemite back in 2009 when we took a quick trip there:

Happy birthday, Mom! Hope we get a chance to experience all that beauty again sometime soon.

Who I trusted at 8

Delving back into my childhood diary.

June 19, 1991

Dear Diary,

I’m sorry I didn’t see you yesterday. Well I’m having a great day. It has been fun. School is far off. You are one person I can trust and God and Jesus. Well bye. See you tomorrow.

Beings who didn’t make the cut: my pets, my friends, my family. Also, I feel like I snubbed the Holy Spirit.

The ultimate beercation

My husband and I just booked a trip to Madison, Wisconsin, where our mutual love of all things beer was born. Can’t wait to return to our roots and drink some Spotted Cow. Planning this trip to got me thinking: where would I go for my ultimate beercation? Going home is always good, and that’s how I feel about Madison. But if I were to take a no limit beercation, I’d go to Belgium. I’m a huge fan of Belgian style beers but have yet to vacation there.

How about you? Where would you go for your ultimate beercation?

Me at Mickey’s Tavern, our favorite brunch spot in Madison. That’s a Bloody Mary with a beer back. What a way to start a Saturday!

Get to know me at 8

Entries from my childhood diary:

June 16, 1991

Dear Diary

It’s fathers day. I had a great day, it was fun. I spent the weekend at grammy’s, it was fun. I had a great day. See you tomorrow.

And the next day:

June 17, 1991

Dear Diary

Today I went shoping. We went to the doctor, shopd for grocerys it was ok. Then we ate lunch. I got a skip it. My sister got a pony. We bought dad some launchairs for fathers day. I know it’s late. Well I’m spending the night at Marie’s tonight. Well bye see you tomorrow.

If I had to give my eight year old self some writing advice, it would be show don’t tell. But props for the correct use of it’s!

How I’m sticking to my New Year’s resolution

Having been trained in demography, I often come across statistics I don’t believe. For instance, this Vox article states “60% of New Year’s resolutions fail.” Given how difficult it is to change human habits and behaviors, this estimate seems unrealistically low.

According to the article, this number comes from a study that followed individuals over time to see how many of them kept their resolutions. As the author of the Vox article writes, at six months, “only 40 percent of those who had made a New Year’s resolution were still sticking with the goal.” The modifier “only” seems out of place here. If 40% of people managed to make the changes they wanted, that’s huge. Stating a New Year’s resolution seems like a good bet for modifying behavior.

The 40% figure is based in scientific research, but as a researcher involved in the study notes in another article that appears on the Time website, study participants are likely more successful in keeping their resolutions than the general population because they have researchers calling them every couple weeks to check in. These calls remind the people being studied about the goals they set and being asked about their resolutions provides incentive to stick to them.

I’ve made New Year’s resolutions in the past, but I can’t tell you what they were. I write them down in late December and forget about them at some point early in the year.

This year, I’ve got a general goal to be more effective with my time. To accomplish this, I wanted to develop a system that mimics the study. I needed to find a way to remind myself of my goal and create accountability over time. So I’ve designed a survey that I’ll take weekly. The survey asks what I accomplished in the prior week and what I would like to get done in the coming week. I’ll be reminded by email to take the survey.

The Vox article has some good tips for keeping New Year’s resolutions and one of them is to make goals attainable. My only resolution is to take the survey every week. And my hope is that making plans and reflecting on my progress from week to week will help me accomplish the more ambiguous goal of using my time more effectively.

Here’s hoping I stick to it!

My 2014 year in review

2014 has been good to me. I’ve been nonemployed and able to pursue my creative ambitions full force. I met many new friends over the past year and had the opportunity to travel to beautiful places. I’ve got a lot to celebrate. Here’s a rundown of the highlights in no particular order:

Traveling to Seattle with my mom and my sister.
Spending the holidays with my family in Cincinnati.
Accompanying David to math conferences in Baltimore, Banff, Tucson, and the Bay Area (twice).
Declaring myself the First Lady of Math Overflow on Twitter (#firstlady #mathoverflow), and writing some fun blog posts about having dinner with mathematicians, Taylor series jokes, and Algebraic Independence Day.
Growing closer with my writing group, attending some kick butt writing conferences, and generally figuring out how to be a writer.
Placing third in the Georgia Romance Writers Unpublished Maggie Awards for Contemporary Single Title Romance.
Completing a 50,000-word draft of a second novel during NaNoWriMo.
Graduating from Dad’s Garage improv classes in January and joining four improv troupes over the course of the year (Shark Party, Collective 51, The Outliers, and the now defunct Bangprov). I also auditioned for a couple of things that I didn’t get. I’m thankful for these experiences too because they made me realize how much I wanted to do improv and motivated me to work harder.
Taking long form improv classes at The Brink Improv and becoming part of the awesome community there.
Made $10 performing in a staged reading! It was my only income for the year.
I wasn’t able to attend as many literary and storytelling events as I would have liked this past year, but I did have a couple of opportunities to share stories at Carapace and Naked City. I was a featured storyteller at Stories on the Edge of Night, and I’ll be performing in that show again on January 22nd.
I maintained this blog! Since August, I’ve been blogging at least weekly thanks to the introduction of Fantasy Friday. I have plans to introduce some new themed posts in 2015 so stay tuned for that.

Thanks to everyone who reads this blog. It means a lot to me to be able to connect with friends, family, and the greater global community through this space.

Happy New Year!